directly with Mrs.

opinion article

Directly with the owner, article by Montserrat Martins

Maria decided to solve the problem: she went to speak directly with her ex-husband’s new wife, to resolve the treatment her two daughters had received when they visited their father, stepmother and new sister from the new marriage. It was a conversation with everyone together, Maria, her two daughters, her ex-husband, her new wife, and her daughter, all in the new companion’s house.

The conversation started tense, of course. The ex-husband looked frightened. The new woman is nervous. Maria, a designer, went straight to the point: She was there so that her daughters would receive the same paternal treatment that the new daughter received, upon visiting her father, and to make clear that she did not want her ex-husband back. , that one thing that has nothing to do with the other: there is an ex-spouse, but no ex-father. And I said more, today there is a new child, with father in the house, will there not be tomorrow, will he fail to fulfill his obligations as a father?

João then tried to speak rudely to the former, but was prevented by the current person. The hostess, even if nervous, seemed to get the message, as the former made clear her lack of interest in the man, going there to take on the role of father. And that tomorrow (who knows?) could be the situation of the ex, who is fighting for her father to treat her daughter well.

With João “in the frame”, and having to express himself respectfully, the conversation then developed, making it clear that it wasn’t about the past, but about the future. The man was not disputed by the two women, on the contrary, the two began to accuse him of their responsibilities.

Maria has found the solution, by speaking “directly with the owner,” in the kind of recurring drama, which I always see in my work, when I am asked for psychological assessments of disputing parties in family or childhood and youth courts. In the vast majority of cases there is no psychological disorder in these people, the disorder behind their fierce battles is very basic human feelings, beginning with jealousy and insecurity.

Our sexual culture is characterized by the fact that men “talk rudely” to their ex-wives and obey their new partner, who does not want to be bothered by anyone. It is a recurring pattern of behavior, which attracts attention when you do not follow this pattern, when there are stepmothers who are not jealous or insecure of the children of the ex. (The same goes for the wives of jealous fathers and mothers, too.)

Out of apparent masculinity, for society to see, at home these “bullies” are so submissive to the new woman that they abandon children for fear of the new partner’s jealousy. Maria was well aware of this, so she went to speak “directly with the owner”, with whom she understood that she was affecting the father of her daughters.

Maria told me her story without any guidance from any doctor, psychologist, or social worker. It was her intuition, observation, reasoning, ability to analyze and wisdom that made her find this solution. It was no use talking to her ex-husband, he didn’t listen to her, so she decided to talk to anyone who had the power to decide, with his new “owner”.

Of course it could have been wrong, but the clarity of her thought and the sincerity of her intentions made the other understand and trust her. It is not a cake recipe that everyone can make at home without risk. But it is an excellent way for those who know how to do it, to go directly to the “owner”.

This kind of primitive culture, in which men are pitted against their children by present-day women, causes great harm to the whole of society. Rejected children and youth will grow up insecure, depressed, angry or conflicted, extending the suffering of their families in their social relationships. It is a very repetitive behavior pattern, and it is still the dominant pattern in a society that should be more civilized. That’s why “we have to talk about it”. Thanks for the example, Marie.

montserrat martins psychiatrist

In EcoDebate, ISSN 2446-9394, 05/06/2022

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